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finals writing procrastination/goodbye 2012/draft purge

took this picture of the bathroom stall at my old job for archival purposes, did a lot of hiding and crying in there.

so far the most i can go without checking his internet presence is a week. his last email was more than a month ago and it took so much sitting on my hands to just let it go unresponded to. to let my silence be the last word. a week ago my facebook stalking made me predictably (ridiculously) upset (again) and i told myself no more no more no more who are you it doesn’t matter it doesn’t matter it doesn’t matter he is with her now he is with her now he is with her now be magnanimous be magnanimous don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry who are you crying for what are you crying about this is fake this is fake this fake this fake get your head out of the clouds. it is so hard not to look, not to know. i keep going back for some sense of a connection. but he is not thinking of me or looking for me or pining for me. he didn’t even see me when i was right in front of him. this is how i care. i watch and watch and wait and watch and watch and wait. i am writing this instead of looking, which will make it a week and a day. and if i can do it again tomorrow it will be 9 days. and if i can keep it up for another week maybe i can start to forget. or just not care. just stop watching. stop waiting. 

-the distance between how i want to be (open, grateful, graceful, strong, forgiving) and how i find myself (vengeful, insecure, obsessive, lazy, petulant)

-holding up the latter because it’s reality; simultaneously being disappointed at not being the former

-what is self-improvement

- the familiarity of it all; picking up a rock and turning it over and over and over and over in my hands when all i should do is let it fall back to the ground. putting in my pocket. putting in my shoe. letting it blister. letting it callous. calling it mine.

- like i just need something to hold onto

- but that dumb rock is not it

ugh this one

this morning on the bus i remembered a conversation where we were talking about superpowers, i said i’d want to be able to read people’s minds and he said he’d want to be able to make people do whatever he wanted.

(Probably the most relevant draft to purge)

i think this experiment i have been conducting or whatever, this idea that i have been trying to be mindful, this whole be as vulnerable you possibly can. don’t think in terms of winning and losing. life is a good teacher. more adventurous. don’t be strategic and coy. be brave. be authentic. thing has been making me more and more aware of how averse i am to all of it and especially to being vulnerable. on paper - let’s go! let’s talk! share share share, open up, have no fear. in reality: physically ill, panicking, feeling like i’m always being check mated, feeling out of control, disorientation, obsessive spiraling, hating everything i’ve ever said or written, wanting to delete all accounts of myself in cyberspace and realspace, wanting to delete my face and my gross body and everything. how could i have said those things and done those things and how could anyone possibly want to hear them or receive that. i am so bad at dealing with life/so bad at living. but great at failing! and wallowing. if anyone needs assistance or support in fucking shit up (not in radical or political way, but a personal/self-destructive way) and then festering/self-pitying while self-loathing, get at me.