woke up to torrential rain which was so. loud. because E. lives in a basement so the water was hitting the dirt right over our heads and rushing into gutters and the cars were swishing by on 99 which is a block away but feels like it is also over our heads. all of a sudden it is autumn. there were turning leaves, yellow and rust-colored, sticking to the rainy streets as i drove to work.
i had two trainings today, on hiv/aids and cpr. i had coffee with a friend who i used to work with who also just started at my new agency. we talked about leaving seattle. rent is going up and up and up and the tech bros are taking over. let them have this dumb city with it’s shitty planning and i-5 and hills. i’ll miss the mountains and the way on certain days you can smell the ocean even when you’re a mile from the sound. but this place is becoming unlivable. when i first moved here i thought the outside feeling would pass once i found a group or a neighborhood that felt like home. there are people i love here but it still doesn’t feel like home. it feels unfair to live so long in a place and still feel like you are not of it.
although i don’t know if i’ve ever felt like i belonged or was from any of the places i’ve lived. maybe i am just too aware of history. last week when i was on call for our homeless youth crisis line, the girl we picked up and drove to shelter was a recent immigrant from somalia. she asked if i was from the u.s. and i said, yeah, and i’m from washington, i grew up here. and she said, but your family is from europe. and i was like, yeah, true, i’m not really from here.
when i was in college in pennsylvania i missed the northwest so much. but sometimes what you miss most is what’s most romanticized. at least that’s what i’ve noticed about myself. or maybe it’s just that what you miss most is always already gone. sometimes i feel like i can’t keep up with time. sometimes i feel like i’m forgetting everything and then an image will come back to me of a place, like the parking lot of the grocery store i shopped at in college. hotel rooms i’ve slept in. the living room of a childhood friend’s house. and i feel like i need to keep track of it all. and i don’t know how i ever will.