E. is always tired and busy because that is how we (the medical industrial complex) teach doctors how to take care of people, by not letting them take care of themselves. the majority of time we spend together is in eating and sleeping and waking. or intense 24 hour trips squeezed into her schedule that overwhelm me and exhaust both of us. and i didn’t even question doing this not even once. but yesterday i was talking to a friend about it and she said “so how much longer does this last?” and i said “two more years” and i have been thinking about that a lot. i mean, it feels futile to ask myself things like can you do that? are you ready? because do what? ready for what? at some point i have to acknowledge that there is really no such thing as being prepared. no. such. thing. i have to keep unlearning this idea of preparedness. or hold the duality of being raised by a first generation american, who tore her way out of poverty by learning all the right things and doing them well and quickly and planning and working hard, with the experience of even that doesn’t save you. i guess what i mean is, #let’s see what happens if i do this thing continues to be really important to me. especially now with like real partnering happening. we talk about houses and babies and yards sometimes and i have to take a deep breath and whisper to myself that no one is ever actually ready to do this thing, whatever it is, and anyone who says they are is lying. i have to believe that.