Ruth Negga One of my favorite actresses as Shirley Bassey .
oh god oh god
yesterday evening something clenched inside me and i had to lie on my floor and cry into the carpet in the dark for a while. one of the things that i find fascinating about tarot is how often i pull some cards when i’m doing readings for myself and how i’ll pull other cards for other people that never come up for me. i don’t think i’ve ever pulled the empress for myself. recently i’ve pulled the three of swords enough times to make me feel some feels. i think for me, right now, it doesn’t represent actual heartbreak, but like my fear of heartbreak and rejection and abandonment. this is different than trouble. trouble is thrilling and you know that it’s probably bad for you but you’re like do the thing to yourself, like a dare, you play chicken with your own heart and it’s all icy down your spine. this isn’t that. this is like, i don’t know a good analogy. a whole new thing. it’s realer and vaster than i’ve felt before. last night i was out dancing with friends and one of them asked “so are you just into girls now?” and i said “no but i think i might be just into this girl.” i’m pretty fucking afraid of how shitty it will feel if things don’t work out. but i’m also afraid of the unknown of things working out. what then. i’ve never dated someone who was fully in, not lingering in the doorway of whatever we were doing. it’s terrifying. and i’m trying to talk to myself with compassion and all that bla bla bla but also what the fuck? why am i like this.
The Miracles “A Fork In The Road” (Tamla 54118-B, 1965)
Welcome to a rather bumpy intersection in the road, well, if you follow Astrology at all. There’s an eclipse this week that leads into the heightened Grand Cardinal Cross. All that frentic energy has me reaching for some silky soul music with a moral to calm my nerves, and wouldn’t you know the smooth Piscean Leads of Smokey Robinson is perfect for this Venus Conjunct Neptune weekend.
Anyways, a little less Astrology and a bit more fact. This wide sweeping warning floater, far more typical of the work of The Superbs on Dore was the extremely popular B-side of “Tracks Of My Tears.” Although it never charted nationally as some Miracles B-sides did, it proved so regionally popular that it soon became a staple in The Miracles live act through the rest of the 1960’s. It would be later tackled in very pretty fashion by Rebbie Jackson nearly 20 years later.
she left her watch by my bed. i found it because i heard it ticking. when she was here, she was holding me and said “i can feel your heartbeat.” my heart beats like thunder, like it’s trying to escape. i was born with a hole in my heart. they peeled back my ribs and lungs and tied it closed. i was in the mountains and i was turning blue and that’s how they knew something was wrong. i have a long scar across my left shoulder blade. it reminds me of miracles and privilege. it reminds me that life is precarious and precious. spring is ticking outside. everything is new green shoots and unfurling. there are petals on every sidewalk. last night i went to dinner with my sisters and the restaurant was full of babies. girls were walking around with bare legs. everyone is so hopeful and yearning. for warmth and the sun. for the long lazy light of summer. my horoscope said, Imagine that you have been relieved of your responsibilities for a given time. What will you do now that you are free to do anything you like? and i just want to be doing this. i want to be sitting in my bed with strong coffee writing about feelings. i want to do homework and apply for jobs and meet my friends for drinks and meet my sisters for dinner and call my mom and go dancing and go for runs and work at the shelter and get breakfast with j. and coffee with d. and lunch with r. and talk about life and love and our futures. i’m here. i’m doing what i want to be doing. i feel like myself most of the time which is maybe all i’ve wanted really. her watch is ticking on my wrist like a heartbeat.
h o l d i n g m y b r e a t h
it’s spring & i want this thing to be a thing
it’s spring & i graduate in 8 weeks
it’s spring & cover letters cover letters cover letters
it’s spring & my heart feels like it might just leave my body at any minute
she spent the night & i drove her to the airport this morning. the sunrise was fuschia coral streaked with purple. we were driving south so mt. rainier was all lit up like a monument. she said “every time i’ve seen you, the mountain’s been out. that’s a good sign.”
some perfect #beds and sheets writing (thanks to ruth curry for the tip!)